A Plea for Peace...

Amanda,

I’m not writing to yell, I’m not writing to argue. I’m writing to reason with you. I’m writing for the kids. And I'm writing to establish a peace process.

My first questions. What good does it do to be hateful? Why must the kids suffer for you and Lonnie’s inability to get along?

Why punish Lonnie? What did he do to you that was so bad that it’s necessary for things to be this way? You can’t lay all of the blame on him. I’m sure he wasn’t a perfect husband. But I can tell you that he never once, in the 9 years you two were married, ever even talked about cheating on you. Yet, it seems he’s the one being punished here. I just don’t get it. You seem to have gotten what you wanted or needed. And you seem to be happy. So why can’t there be compromise so everyone is happy, especially those three kids?

You must realize how much damage this whole mess has caused to those three kids. You have to be able to see that. And for what is the damage worth? Pride? Stubbornness? Inability to admit wrong-doing on one side or the other? I don't understand what could be more important than a child's happiness.

Logan and Hailey are both under a tremendous amount of stress. We see it every time they come out to our house. I can’t even imagine what this is doing to Austin. Do you realize how ridiculous it was at Logan’s concert when Ted ran Austin to the truck like he was the security detail for the president, keeping him out of view? It wasn’t just ridiculous it was sad, and heart-breaking. Mainly because there’s no reason for it. None at all. Why can’t we tell him that we love him? Why can’t my Mom see him, hug him, or tell him that she loves him? What did she do? What did he do? What did we do? I can’t even imagine how torn that boy is right now. We are his family too. We were a part of that boy’s life since he was a baby.

Really though, what is the point of this hurting each other? I would really like to know the honest to God truth. Because, this fighting is ignorant. It’s pointless, and it helps no one. You and Lonnie need to stop this nonsense and find a way to get along so that everyone can have some peace. Especially those kids. They didn’t have a choice in any of this, so they should not be punished for it. Unless I’ve been left completely in the dark, and missed something entirely here, there is absolutely no reason why we can’t all just stop this nonsense, get along, and do what’s best for those kids. The divorce is done, time for both of you to move on and get along for the sake of the kids before serious damage is done, if it's not already too late.

I've been wanting to write to you for awhile, but what got me to do it today was the total disregard for Hailey's feelings. She probably doesn't even know about the Nebraska trip does she? We hadn't gotten a chance to bring it up to her. I bet if she knew, she'd want to go. So what harm would it do to let her go with Nicki and I to Iowa? It’s Jayden’s birthday, and her and Hailey are like sisters when they are together. Hailey loves her and loves spending time with her and us. We had planned on going to the Nebraska Zoo, which is huge, and something that they would enjoy. And on top of that, Nicki just found out today that nobody is coming to Jayden's birthday party this weekend. So even moreso now, it would be great to take her with us, because it would cheer Jayden up, as I'm sure she's going to be down because of this and the fact that no one is coming to her birthday party. The poor kid has had it rough, and they just recently found some bumps on her head. She has had problems with tumors alot. Letting Hailey go with us would help her forget about it for at least a couple of days, plus it would make Hailey happy, which is what is most important here, and the point of this whole letter. There is still time to change your mind. If you’re afraid to call Lonnie about it, call Nicki or me. I know from things Lonnie has said that you are all worried that everyone hates you. Well, with stuff like this, it doesn't give us much incentive to like you. You have to understand that. Give us a reason not to hate you. Take a step back at all of the things done, accept some accountability and responsibility, and see the consequences of what those actions have been. Not just you, all of us. And then think about what we all can do together to fix it. You and Lonnie especially. His stubbornness amplifies yours and until you guys can knock it off, it’s going to be never ending.

By being absorbed in all of this turmoil and drama, you’re missing out on the best parts of their lives and yours. You know that both Hailey and Logan learned to ride their bikes at our house?

What does that say? That says that you missed out on it because you’re not seeing the big picture. Your feud with Lonnie is between you and Lonnie. Maybe one day, you guys will be decent with each other. But in the meantime, please stop punishing everyone else. We didn’t do anything. The kids didn’t do anything. I’m not asking you to turn Saint overnight. I’m pleading that you give a little and do something for those kids. Think about how they feel, not about how you feel or how Lonnie feels. Your feelings aren’t going to matter when they’re all grown up and they despise you for ruining their childhoods. Children don’t forget. And I speak from experience. They carry that hurt with them their whole lives. Just please, find it in yourself to have even a little bit of compassion here and at least think about this stuff. Do you know how much better things would be for all of us if everyone would just get along and be reasonable?

I know I’m not perfect. And yes, you have reason to be skeptical of me here because I have had harsh words for you in the past, even when you and Lonnie were married. But some things just aren’t worth holding on to like that. There’s no reason to let things eat at you. It makes you blind to what you’re missing out on. I am spending my days now, trying to rebuild and recover the last five years of my life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I’ve been selfish a lot. I’ve paid for my mistakes, and I’ve learned from them for the most part. I’m still learning, and still working on fixing things that need to be fixed with myself. A lot of things have changed me. I spent the last nearly five years feeling sorry for myself, withering away in a self-contained prison. I missed out on so much. I’m re-learning to enjoy things, to see the things that are important, and to be able to tell the difference between those things, and the things that are not important. I’m finally starting to wake up. I’m back to work. I got promoted in six months, and am back in the corporate software world. I got a chance to start things fresh and do it right this time. I’m not passing it up. Things are getting back on track. I chose to fix things, and I choose to continue to fix things. There’s no reason to live miserably. Life is hard enough without fighting with the ones you love.

Do you remember Austin’s birthday party when I got upset with him because he didn’t like the skateboard? I felt small that day, and it opened my eyes. It hurt me that I hurt him, my brother, and you. I know I apologized at the time, but I did that out of selfish guilt. I never got the chance to apologize properly for that. And one day, I hope to be able to do that. Not for me, for Lonnie, or for you, but for Austin. I have dwelled on that since after it happened, because I did to him something that I promised myself I would never do to any child, mine, or another’s. That was the kind of stuff my Dad did to me growing up. Nothing I did was ever good enough and he was always riding my case. Things are ok with Dad and I now, but he has never once apologized to me for the hurt he caused me in my life. I’m not even sure he’s aware that he did anything wrong in the first place. I carried that hurt with me for most of my life, and it still hurts when I think about it at times. But I’ve forgiven him and I am sad that I missed out on doing the things that a son should be doing with his father. So, I don’t expect forgiveness from Austin, or anyone else, but I want him to know how sorry I am for that, and that I do love him, no matter what. I love all three of those kids, we all do, and it hurts that they are now pawns in a stupid fight over who’s right and who’s wrong in this divorce. But what’s done is done. The reason for your divorce or the what ifs and what could have beens are of no importance now. Nor is it my business. What is my business, and important is those kids. Like it or not, they are our kids too. They're Lonnie's kids. They're your kids. They're my kids. They're our Mom's kids. Our Dad's kids. Nicki's kids.

The only direction from here is forward, and there are choices. Things don’t have to be the way they are right now. There’s no reason why we all can’t get along. Please just consider. Please let Hailey go with us to Nebraska. There aren’t any boys Logan’s age to play with there, but if he wants to go, he can go with us too. Austin can go with us too if he wants to go. We just want to be able to spend time with them and let them know that we love them no matter what. We want you to be able to show them that there doesn’t have to be a need to stress, or to hide from their feelings. I feel bad for Austin, having seen his face on a few occasions when we’ve seen him. The look of despair and sorrow. I’ve seen fear in his eyes and I don't understand it. Why is he so afraid to be around us? I don’t know what’s going on, or what he’s been told, but it’s not fair to him, or to any of us that have been a part of his life. He deserves better than that. They all do. And regardless of what Austin might say to you to appease you and Ted, that boy thinks that all of this is his fault. Especially since he is paying the heaviest price of all. Again, I'm speaking from experience. When I was a kid, Mom and her brother Lawerence got into a fight over Grandma's passing, and the things she left behind. They quit coming around, and quit letting us come over. The night before I had told my cousins Brett and Nathan that they couldn't go to a movie with us, being a child, and being a brat. The next day when they fought, I believed that I was the cause and it was my fault. I carried that burden with me up until I moved out of home when I finally asked Mom about it.

Please just find it in your heart to try and work this all out between the two of you so everyone can be happy. Right now, yes, everyone thinks that you’re a bad person. I believe there is good in everyone. You and I had our good times. We had our bad. But all families have that. I never "hated" you for anything up until the kids became involved in this stuff. What I truly hate is that you guys cannot love and let live and move on from this. Everyone else is suffering because of it. And it's needless suffering.

People don't have to think that way about you though. People think that way because of the choices you’ve made and the way you’ve handled things. You can change all of that. It’s there in you, you just have to choose to rise above everything else and show it. The rewards will outweigh the effort in the long run, trust me, and everyone benefits. There’s no harm in doing right.

Don’t deny the kids things just because you’re pissed off at Lonnie or he's pissed off at you. Leave that between the two of you until you guys can work out the emotions. You two need to find a middle ground, and keep the kids out of the fight until the fires are put out and you guys can be civilized with each other.

There’s no reason to hurt them because your guys’ egos are hurting. I wish I’d have learned that lesson long ago. I hurt people that didn’t need to be hurt because of my own feeling of ego and self-importance.

It would be best for everyone to get along. You can’t deny that. Please. I'm being sincere here and putting everything out there. Not for myself, but for everyone. There's no reason anyone has to hurt from this any longer.

Just because you guys aren't together anymore, does not mean that we all can't be family and love one another.

Lots of good memories and no reason that there cannot be more ahead...